The Self-Love Secret I Wish I'd Known Sooner

I want to talk about something deeply personal today: self-love.

As gay men, many of us have grown up battling shame, struggling to accept ourselves fully, and facing a world that often tells us there’s something inherently wrong with us.

Whether it’s accepting ourselves as we are, body image issues or feeling like we just don’t measure up, self-love can feel like something elusive.

I know I’ve faced this, and it’s still work in progress.

But one realization completely changed the way I approach it.

For so long, I thought self-love was about looking in the mirror and convincing myself I was worthy because of certain things: my achievements, my brain, how I look, etc, etc... If I could tick enough of those boxes, maybe I could love myself, right?

Then there’s all that advice in the self-development world about using journaling or affirmations to list all the things you love about yourself. If your list is big enough, then surely self love would follow...

But this approach is extremely tricky (and didn’t actually work for me anyway).

The problem with this thinking is that it creates conditions for self-love. It’s as if I’m telling myself that I deserve love only because of those great things.

What happens on the days when I don’t feel successful? Or don’t look that good? Does that mean I’m suddenly unworthy?

Even worse, it’s like I’m silently telling myself that I deserve more love than someone who doesn’t have those things.

It’s a dangerous game of comparison—the exact thing that makes us feel unworthy in the first place.

Trying to love ourselves because of our “specialness” reminds me of the same way we fall for someone else.

At first, everything feels exciting and new—you’re drawn to the mystery of that person. But as time goes on, as you date, move in together, and grow more familiar with each other, that initial spark fades.

Familiarity sets in, and with it, we often become more critical.

Now think about how well you know yourself…

You've lived with yourself every day of your life, so expecting to suddenly feel those same 'butterflies' we associate with falling in love is unrealistic. It’s like trying to force a spark that just isn’t there anymore.

This is where the shift happened for me. Instead of trying to love myself the way I’d fall in love with someone else, I started thinking about it like a parent-child relationship.

If you ask a parent why they love their child, you’re unlikely to hear replies like: 'Because my kid is great at sports' or 'Because they’re always well-behaved.' or 'Because my child is top of their class'.

No, they say, “What do you mean? It’s my kid. Of course I love them! It’s not about achievements or looks; It comes from an inherent bond they have.

It’s about unconditional care.

Now imagine applying that to yourself. Once you’re no longer a child, no longer under someone else’s care - there’s only one person on earth whose top responsibility is to look after you… and that’s yourself.

Many of us don’t see it that way. Instead, we search for others to take care of us or we surround ourselves with toxic people who end up taking bad care of us.

What if, instead, we woke up and asked, “What would I do today if my sole responsibility was to take care of this person?”

That’s the real work of self-love. It’s not about feeling good all the time. It’s about showing up for yourself, unconditionally.

Just like a parent shows up for their child, no matter what.

Self-love isn’t a feeling. It’s an approach, a commitment.

You’re in charge of taking care of the person you’ve been with since day one. And believe me, that person is worth it.

Take care of yourself today and always.

With love and gratitude,

Daniel